Rage 2 Review: It’s Trash, But That’s OK Because We All Are (Or Are We?)

0/10

No Toned Loosum Hagar Tummy

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Rage 1 was an underrated game. The gunplay was nice and satisfying and the driving didn’t make me wish I was dead any more than usual.

Rage 2 suffers from something very significant that Rage 1 did not: Appreciation for girls with abs.

It’s 2019: For whatever reason, we’ve all been sentenced to live in a simulation of Hell. Mainstream media pushed down women’s throats is comprised almost entirely of self-affirmative brainwashing, regardless of the self. (They’re coming for you next, lads, don’t worry) The other day I saw a commercial with a dumpy Kelly Clarkson asking “What could be better than a movie about being yourself?” Answer: A movie about being better than myself.

In the dystopian hellscape we live in it’s more important than ever to appreciate greatness wherever it’s expressed. And greatness is expressed in few places better than a girl’s midriff.

Loosum Hagar is a cutie in Rage 1 who teaches you to throw a stupidly-deadly homing-boomerang. She’s perfection. She’s got an adorable face and every male who played Rage zoomed in to get a look at her tight stomach.

Abs are a symbol of human willpower earned through physical exercise. Expecting anything less from women is misogyny, plain and simple. And being that having abs is already realistic in real life, they had DAMN well better be in a video game about a post-apocalyptic wasteland where it’s impossible to buy a tub of ice cream and veg out on a couch watching Netflix while occasionally checking your Twitter to make sure all of your Followers enjoyed your witty Tweet about the popular super-hero/fantasy/whateverdumbshit show that you’re watching. Oh, a knock at the door? Thank Nye, my pizza is here, time to bring out the box wine. #LivingMyBestLife

No, forget that. It should already be against the law, in real-life, for women (and men) to not have abs. It makes L I T E R A L L Y no sense for a wasteland-survivor to not be FIT as FUCC.

So as if a JOKE, as if to DISRESPECT Loosum in her prime (and therefore all women) Rage 2 turns her into a dumpy monster. I get it, it’s 30 years later. I guess for 30 years, Loosum just decided to not take care of herself at all. Time destroys all things eventually, but the glory of Humanity is that we can defy Him for decades through diet and exercise. It would have been normal for Loosum to lose her facial beauty, but not her body. She didn’t become a victim of Age, she became a victim of Weight, and that’s disrespectful to her. What would have realistically made her put on like 50lbs? Nothing but the whims of a developer who despises the reality that women can be attractive.

I’m changing the score from a 0/10 to a 1/10 because at least they (unintentionally, probably definitely) turned Loosum into a Cautionary Tale: Even the finest waifus can turn to shit if they stop doing their wasteland planks.

We all have to take care of ourselves better.

PROS:
+wow, you can do a ground-pound like Mario. Bing-bing wahoo! I love science!!!
+the guns are neato, even though you probably also want stricter “gun control” because you haven’t looked into shooting statistics more specific than anything cherrypicked for a Salon blog or John Oliver “””rant”””, or even violent crime stats in general. In fact, you don’t actually even care about violence at all, right? Don’t you just pretend to? You know I’m right. Delete your Twitter.

CONS:
-misogynistic, but at least it’s unintentional I guess
-misanthropic in general, but at least it’s unintentional I guess

Final Score: 1/10

For more hot reviews, stay tuned to Shekeleki. Idk if I like this name, maybe it’s got too many syllables. 1/10.

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