Pillows Were Introduced to Mankind as an Act of Sabotage

Do you know the history of the pillow? Probably not, few people do.

You’ll never find this on Wikipedia, but pillows were actually introduced to the Aztecs by a trickster god. You’ve probably seen those stupid Marvel movies, right? Remember Loki? I never saw the movies, so I don’t know how he was portrayed, but that’s basically the god I’m talking about. Actually, unless he was portrayed as an irredeemable asshole who’s only interested in pranking humanity, then forget it. Because that’s the Loki that gave us pillows.

Every ancient culture has a Loki. It doesn’t matter what name he’s known by, what matters is that he only wants to make humans look like idiots.

That’s why he invented the pillow.

Imagine sleeping perfectly fine on the ground for millions of years, and then one day, some goofy asshole says “Hey, you actually need this to sleep :^) ”

So you try it. It’s soft on the back of your head, but oops, now you feel like your neck is being strained. That’s because it is. Head pillows put pressure on your neck. You don’t need them.

If you lie straight on your back, what do you feel? The answer is simple: You feel perfect. This is how humans slept since time immemorial. It’s perfect posture.

But something about it feels uncomfortable to you on an emotional level, right? That’s because you’ve been conditioned, like an idiot, to be spooked by the things around you being at a higher level than you. It feels unsafe to be so low, looking up at the whole world. Even though realistically, with your head up only a few more inches off the ground, everything is still above you– the universe is still cold and indifferent. Why do you think a pillow is protecting you from entropy? I’m sorry, of course you don’t actually think that, you don’t THINK about anything. So who conditioned you to FEEL this way? Was it the pillow companies? In short, yes.

If you fOlloW The mOney, you’ll find that all pillow companies are owned by the same few people. Those “””people””” are actually literal avatars of Loki the trickster god.

The word “pillow” even comes from “Pilloki,” “Pil-LOKI”, pronounced pillow-kee. Amazing right? How did humanity get bamboozled like this?

And why?

Well, like all the truths of life, there’s actually no good reason for it. One WILD evening, Loki decided “wouldn’t it be funny if humans woke up with sprained necks? lmfao”. So he threw some feathers into a sheet, named it a pilloki, eventually shortened it to “pillow” to avoid anyone as smart as me connecting the dots, and gave it to some Aztec people, PROMISING them that if they just keep using them, eventually they’ll make sense.

Pillows are a tradition as stupid as that lottery story we all had to read in school when someone gets stoned to death to ensure a bountiful harvest. Just kidding, it’s even more stupid. Killing someone with a rock isn’t going to ruin your corn, but sleeping with a pillow is going to strain your neck.

IN CONCLUSION

pillows are for punk-ass jabronis who enjoy being lied to. what’s the overlap between people who love pillows and people who love their significant others sleeping with other people? 99%? 100%?

So what’s the solution? Do we just stop using pillows? Yes. It takes a single fucking night to get used to not using them, and you’ll sleep better. You’ll find that it’s even more comfortable, you won’t wake up in the middle of the night as often, and you’ll never wake up with an injury. Goodnight.

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