Wristwatches and Safety Razors, Kiddo

Woman: Excuse me, do you have the time?

Manchild: Certainly! Let me just reach into my pocket, and get my phon–

Man: It’s 4:20.

Woman: Wow! How’d you tell me so quickly?

Man: Simple, miss. I wear a wristwatch like all men should.

Manchild: *starts crying* B-but I just needed to get my phone…

Man: Phones are for making calls, sport. Life comes at ya fast, and Father Time takes no prisoners. You should always be able to check the time just by quickly glancing at your wrist. Hey, buck up kid, stop that crying. Tell ya what, why don’t you come with me and we’ll get you your first G-Shock?

Manchild: *wipes his nose* Gosh mister, you really mean it?

Man: Sure thing, champ. I’m surprised your dad didn’t get you a nice watch years ago!

Manchild: My dad… he left my mom and me when I was a kid…

Man: That explains your razor burn. What do you, still shave with cartridge razors?

Manchild: D- *sob* Dollar Shave Club…

Man: Nah, nah, that’s no good, come with me, sport. It’s gonna be okay.

Epilogue

And so the heroic stranger helped the 20-something manchild become the adult he was thoughtlessly avoiding becoming.

He taught him how to pick functionally useful and classy watches, instead of succumbing to stupid meme smartwatches (don’t worry, one day we’ll have our Pip Boys, but as of 2018, you can pay under $100 for a traditional watch that is practically water-proof, shock-proof, and has a solar battery that will literally outlive you. If all of those features even exist in a single smartwatch that I don’t know of, I know it will certainly cost well into the hundreds if not 1k+, and unless you’re actually rich and can’t throw away money fast enough, paying that much for something that’s barely functionally superior to something that costs 10 times less makes you a brainless consumer bugman.)

and he also taught him how to use a safety razor, which is practically the same as using a cartridge razor and so much less expensive it’s ridiculous that you guys actually pay so much money for plastic pieces of shit because you think adding extra blades gives you a closer shave. Buddy, if the first blade didn’t cut it, a second and third and fourth aren’t going to, just- I just- STOP BUYING CARTRIDGE RAZORS. you think Gillette actually gives a shit about you? Guy, go on Amazon right now, buy a safety razor and a pack of 100 razors, and you’re set for YEARS. GIRLS, TOO.JUST GET A SAFETY RAZOR, they’re extremely easy to clean, you get perfect shaves, I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GUYS ARE SUCH SUCKERS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSTOP WASTING MONEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

 

The End

 

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