The time machine roared through the indescribable (so I won’t) vacuum of space, and exploded out into the bright blue sky. They had returned to the time just a few hours before Suzie discovered she was pregnant.
“I JUST HOPE WE’RE NOT TOO LATE!” yelled Deadly Bones over the roaring wind.
“Well we have a time machine…” murmured Little Satan.
“Did you say something clever?” asked Deadly Bones threateningly, and he made a spooky face at him.
“No…” said Little Satan sadly. He turned away. They had been traveling through history for months, having all sorts of wild adventures, yet Deadly Bones continued to treat him like shit. Tears welled up in his eyes.
Deadly Bones could sense his sadness.
“Are you crying?” the Doctor asked, with a hint of remorse.
“No!” squeaked Little Satan. He wasn’t about to let Deadly Bones see him cry.
Deadly Bones could see through his facade of bravery.
“BOO!” he yelled, and made a really fucking spooky face at him. One of the spookiest faces of all time.
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” cried Little Satan in absolute terror.
Deadly Bones removed his hood and set the time machine to hover. They were still a good half-mile in the air. He turned and grabbed Little Satan by the shoulders.
“Listen to me, young one.” he said sternly. “Don’t you ever be afraid of ANYTHING. Plenty of stuff in this world will try to scare you. But if you let things in life scare you, you give them power over you. If nothing scares you, then you’re literally invincible. Do you understand me?”
“I’m not sure that’s true…” whimpered Little Satan.
And with that, Deadly Bones tossed Little Satan overboard. He fell through the sky screaming, and crashed on to the ground far below, dead.
Deadly Bones shook his head. “If only he wasn’t afraid of falling…” he said, and jumped down fearlessly like a professional diver. He landed gracefully on his feet, and struck a super-cool pose. When he finished posing, he returned to the Sacramento house, and was delighted to find everyone safe and sound with no memory of the battle at KISSlorian.
Suddenly, the door burst down.
IT WAS SATAN!
“YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD JUST KILL ME AND RESOLVE ALL OF THOSE SEPARATE PLOT POINTS, DIDN’T YOU? WELL, IT’S NOT THAT EASY!” he snarled angrily, and chucked a brick a Suzie’s head. She fell to the ground, unconscious.
“That’s impossible! I not only ensured that you couldn’t attend baseball camp, I also killed you!” exclaimed Deadly Bones.
“NO, SKELETON. BEFORE I HIT THE GROUND, I REMEMBERED WHAT YOU HAD TOLD ME ONLY MOMENTS BEFORE. IF I DID NOT FEAR FALLING OUT OF THE SKY, IT COULD NOT HURT ME. SO I SURVIVED AND RECOVERED THE TIME MACHINE. AND I MURDERED THE BASEBALL COACH’S SON, SO HE WOULD TAKE ME AS HIS NEW APPRENTICE!!!!!!”
“You sly son of a bitch…” muttered Deadly Bones.
“NOW ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY SON.” he roared, and in stepped a blood-red devil skeleton.
“WAT.” exclaimed everyone.
“HE IS THE PRODUCT OF SUZIE’S EGG, EITHER SKELETON BOY OR JOHNNY THUNDER’S SPERM OR SKELETON SPERM, AND THE DEVIL-MAGIC OF MY WIFE’S WOMB.”
“That’s not how reproduction works!” retorted Deadly Bones.
“SUZIE WAS PREGNANT?!” roared Skeleton Sacramento.
“YES, AND I TRICKED DEADLY BONES INTO THINKING THIS WAS THE TIME BEFORE HE TRANSFERRED THE BABY TO MY WIFE. ALSO, I WENT FORWARD IN TIME TO COLLECT MY SON. OBVIOUSLY.”
“What the hell is going on here?” said Skeleton Doctor, as he walked in from the other room.
“This is entirely too fucked up.” said Deadly Bones, and he ran outside. He kept running, and running, until he formulated a plan. And then he ran some more.
After many weeks of running, he arrived at the top of a mountain with an ancient castle. He threw open the doors. Inside, was an old man with silver skin.
“I come seeking training.” announced Deadly Bones.
“I know why you are here.” said the old man. “We will begin immediately.”
“Thank you, Master Makina” said Deadly Bones, relieved.
“Please, skeleton. Call me Deyoosex.”