“Close your eyes for a second. Try to imagine the most darkest, spookiest, shark-infested place on the planet. Times that by about 100, and you got where we goin’. Shark City, bitch, Shark Shark City, bitch. Ten ten ten ten twenties on your skellies, bitch” rapped one of the skeleton pirate as they sunk just outside of treacherous Shark City. Music is important for boosting morale.
Shark City was made entirely out of magical sand, and looked exactly like New York City. The only way to tell the difference would be to notice the shark-men swimming around all over the damn place. Also there was a big gate and giant walls. Like Troy. Except New York City.
General Whitefin met them at the gate with a small detachment of elite shark soldiers. Redmond immediately knew it was Whitefin, because he had white fins, as his name might imply to the linguistically adequate.
“Whitefin!” roared Redblack, drawing his sword.
“What have you done with Bob?” demanded Redmond.
“You mean Sharkbert?” laughed General Whitefin, stepping aside.
(author’s note: I laughed so goddamn hard from typing “Sharkbert”, that I feel compelled to make a note of it)
From out of the crowd emerged Redmond’s dear friend. Except he was no longer the short, stocky man of somewhat generous proportions that Redmond loved so dearly. He was now a lean, mean, sharking machine.
“You shouldn’t have come here, Redmond.” he said in a dull, monotone, stereotypical brainwashed voice.
“Bob, this isn’t you.” cried Redmond.
“MY-NAME… IS-SHARKBERT!” roared Bob, I mean Sharkbert, and he charged Redmond with a big-ass trident.
Redmond dodged the attack gracefully like a ballerina warrior princess.
“What should I do?” he shouted to Asia Bones. “I don’t want to kill him! Which I could probably do effortlessly!”
“You KNOW what you have to do, Redmond!” Asia Bones called out, as the rest of the shark soldiers began engaging the skelly pirate crew.
Redmond looked within himself. Asia Bones was right. He /did/ know what he had to do to save Rob’s soul.
He’d have to spook him. In the deep.
Meanwhile, the skeletons fought the shark-men with ferocity. Razor-sharp teeth vs. bones and bravery. and also Rasta Rick, who was able to smoke underwater. Shark City, bitch.
For every shark-man the skellies were able to shank, another took its place. The effort was useless, it seemed.
Until Asia Bones flew (swam) into the air (higher water) and unleashed his baka-naka-gen-jutsu; creating a wall of flame that drove into the sandy city, killing a shark-men lined up to join the battle. Damn.
With the sharky reinforcements depleted, the skeleton pirates began to get the upper-hand.
At least, until General Whitefin suddenly grew 100 feet tall.
“I be sensin’ some daaark rasta, mon.” gasped Rasta Rick.
Sure enough, a stereotypical voodoo swamp woman appeared behind the group of shark-men, flipping him off.
“IT BE DA SWAMPMAMA JOOJOO!” roared Rasta Rick, and he propelled himself into her fists-first, punching her head off into an explosion of blood and brain matter.
“Good thinking, Rasta Rick!” laughed Captain Redblack, as General Whitefin shrunk down to his normal size.
Captain Redblack and Whitefin engaged in a duel; two great warriors, dueling in a duel to determine who is the better duelist.
But then a headless Swampmama Joojoo stood back up, and raised her arms and danced around, and Whitefin grew into a giant again, and kicked Captain Redblack clear out of the water, and began stomping on the rest of the skellies. Asia Bones and Rasta Rick backflipped out of danger.
“We can’t ween as long as da swampmama be makin’ ‘im big, mon!” cried Rasta Rick.
“There must be some way to kill her!” roared a skellie pirate just before being stepped on.
“BAH HA HA HA HAAA! FOOLS! ONLY US SHARK PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO KILL THE SWAMPMAMA!”
All hope seemed lost, but then Redmond took Swampmama’s head and tapped Sharkbert on the shoulder. Sharkbert turned around, and Redmond held the head out and Sharkbert cried out “Holy shit!” and became Bob again. Redmond slapped him across the face.
“HOW DO WE KILL THE SWAMPMAMA?” he shouted, shaking Bob by the shoulders.
“Y-you need to cut off her hair!” Bob stuttered, stunned by his regained humanity. “But it has to be fashionable!”
Redmond spun around towards the skellies.
“Is there a cosmetologist here?!” he shouted.
There was silence for a second, before he received his answer.
“Over here. Right over here.” replied Asia Bones, holding out his hands.
Redmond grabbed the swampmama’ head and stuck it on his harpoon gun, and fired it off toward Asia Bones.
Asia jumped up, and horizontally karate-chopped the voodoo woman’s dreadlocks, shortening them.
“OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” screamed her head and her body exploded, shortening General Whitefin once more.
At that moment, still expecting a gigantic Whitefin, Captain Redblack sailed the Queen Bones underwater and impaled Whitefin on the bow, which was shaped like a skeley holding a sword. lol.
the ship crashed down, creating a smokescreen of sand, and giving the remaining skellies enough time to slaughter the remaining shark-men.
“Ahoy, mateys!!!!” laughed Redblack, and began dancing.
The rest of the skelies danced too. Except for Asia Bones.
“Our job isn’t finished yet.” he said sternly. “Not until the Shark Priestess has met her end.”
He then struck a pose.
“I agree.” said Redmond, and he turned to Bob. “Where is she?” he demanded.
“She’s probably at her throne in the Empire Shark Building. but it’s guarded by sharkingtons!”
“What the fuck is a sharkington?” asked a skellie.
Asia Bones closed his eyes and sighed in worry.