Van Randy: Resurrection part I

“You wouldn’t dare,” the harlot gasped.

“Wouldn’t I?” dared Van Randy, and he shot her in her whore face with his +5 crossbow.

This was a heroic act, because the harlot was actually a VAMPIRE harlot. Van Randy took a bow.

The audience cheered from behind the two-way mirror. The commissioner walked through the door to greet him. The vampire harlot’s dicking was all an elaborate ruse.

“Van Randy, you’ve done it again. And here I was thinking you’d gone soft.”

“That’s a good joke, Mish. But I don’t have time for your little stand-up routine, I need you to GET DOWN!”

Van Randy pulled the commissioner to the floor just as dozens of harpoons started flying through the wall, killing most of the press, and maiming the rest.

“Van Randy, what is GOING ON!”

“It was all a double-ruse, Commish. They knew you’d get me to fuck and kill that vampire hooker. They used her as(s) bait.”

“How did they know!”

“Because I TOLD THEM,” roared Van Randy, and he grabbed a cigar out of his trench coat and lit it.

“It was a TRIPLE RUSE, the entire time!” Van Randy put the cigar in the commissioner’s mouth and said “Smoke this. By the time you’re done, every vampire in this city will be dead.”

Then Van Randy grabbed a harpoon in both hands and started shooting bullets out of them. The vampires didn’t know, but Van Randy had beaten up the man delivering their regular harpoons and replaced them with HARPOON-GUNS, harpoons which are guns. The vampires had been outsmarted in almost every angle.

Except for pure numbers. How could Van Randy hope to kill the thousands of vampires that were swarming the stairs of the Empire State Building?

What if half of them were Van Randy’s own men in disguise? What if it was even more than half?

They all spit out their fake teeth and roared “FOR VAN!” and they all shot the single real vampire with mustard gas.

“BE CAREFUL! Mustard gas is dangerous!” cried Van Randy, but his acolytes had been too eager, and they all accidentally killed themselves with mustard gas.


to be continued.


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