Smartwatches Are Dumb and So Are You

God I hate smartwatches.

I was thinking about how much I hate them in the shower, and I had to extend my shower by an extra 10 minutes. Hey, that’d be a neat app for a smartwatch. Measuring your water-usage. That’s probably more useful than measuring your fucking sleep. Can you imagine caring about that?

There you are, eyeing a nice new timepiece– water resistant up to 200m, shock-proof, solar-battery, and the thought comes into your head:

“Ah, but does it measure my sleep?”

That’s the most bugbrained, zombie-consumer question that I can even think of. Why does that feature exist? There’s no good reason. No-one ever even dreamed of caring about that until some schmuck marketing executive threw a dart at a list of possible features and it landed on “measure sleep”. How much fucking battery-life does this feature drain? If they took it out, would these watches last 8 days instead of 7?

How about you take out the fucking step-counter and heartbeat monitor, too? Can we crank up the battery life to a month? How many elite athletes even use these features? The kind of person who buys a smartwatch doesn’t need to worry about enhancing their performance– any physical activity at all from them would be an improvement. Here’s a PRO TIP: stop drinking fucking soda and get a pull-up bar. A watch isn’t going to help you get into shape, it’s a fucking toy.

I’ve said it before– smartwatches truly are the future. And what I consider stupid features for idiots will be perfectly acceptable when real-life Pip Boys start being mass-produced and inexpensive. And at that time, it will be standard for smartwatches to have the features that traditional watches already have. The idea of dropping hundreds of dollars on a watch that can take less physical abuse than a $50 watch, just so you can talk into your wrist like you’re fucking James Bond and take a universal measurement of the distance you dragged your fat ass around is so offensive to me it makes me want to throw something. And if I threw my Casio watch, it’d be perfectly fine.

I’d honestly rather carry a fucking cuckoo clock with me at all times and scream in unison with it every hour than wear something called a “fit bit”. Unless you’re Scott Steiner, you’re lying to yourself and everyone around you.

In Resident Evil 7, your wife chainsaws your hand off and you get a Pebble smartwatch. It’s cool because in a fictional horror-setting where you’re being attacked by mutants, a heartbeat monitor is actually useful. How many smartwatch owners had their hands cut off by their possessed wives? How many are even married?

If a genie gave a numale hipster consumer the option between receiving an Apple Watch immediately and becoming sterile or receiving a son in 5 years, they’d pick the watch. Then they’d take a picture of it and post it to Reddit for points. And then they’d get the new one that Apple makes the next year. Just in time for their next vay-cay! 🙂

Maybe they’ll wait in line at the Apple Store, and pay for it using Apple Pay on their Apple Watch. How cool would that be? A seamless experience! God, what a great feature. “A way to spend money even faster? Sign me up!” guffaws the bugman without a hint of irony, posting a picture of Fry saying “Shut up and take my money”.

Anyway, uh, fuck smart watches. Fuck you, if you think measuring your sleep is a worthwhile feature for a timepiece. You’re a mark. You’ve been fleeced by assholes in suits who tricked you into caring about something that you NEVER would have thought to care about on your own, and the reason you never would have thought to was because it’s fucking dumb.

Call me on your smartwatch when there’s one worth buying.