Sam Hyde: Job Interview

This has always been one of my favorite pieces by Sammy. I couldn’t find any transcriptions online, so I did my best here:

Sam: Hold on a second! I’m getting a call on my Bluetooth … Is this Silicon Valley? You need [describes the audience] a roomful of dingy kids who smell like cigarettes? You need them to make $200,000 a year and have full benefits package?! What?! Okay, I’ll start the interview process right now!

[Interview inside an office. I am yelling at an obese man.]

Candidate: I am 98% socially insecure shallow dumbfuck simp who thinks the ultimate goal in life is to fuck myself up. And then I’ll be another interchangeable emotionally dead cool dude worshiped by other narrow-minded tryhard assholes. I am a failed abortion who goes to college just to drink and have sex like a dog in heat then wakes up late the next morning for a class that I just take to fill credits with a teacher who is a hollow scarecrow-man nothingmaster. My parents’ wallet is tentacle-rape hentai because I want to go to sleepaway camp for adults for 4 years. Please hire me, Mr. Evil Corporation. If I’m black, please hire me to fill your diversity quota because you’re racist if you don’t. Also, know that blacks like me literally get college scholarships thrown us and debt and SAT scores are white privilege. Potentially, I will be a fucking problem for you in the form of whiny minority litigation because of a Tweet or office memo that made me feel discriminated against slightly.

Mr. Big: YES! I am discriminating against you because you are FAT! You are a big balloon, you STINK! What are you, BIG? You eat too much so now you’re BIG! It’s like this: just eat less and you’ll be nicer to look at. But right now, you’re stinking up my Herman Miller chair and that’s a big no-no. So get the hell out of my office you filthy animal!

Candidate: Please! I am a total fucking whore, and I will do anything for money! My choices have been so bad, and my life is such a shitwreck, all I want is a warm meal and a roof over my head. I’m trash, I’m yours to punish and to grind to dust!

Mr. Big: Mhmm. Well here at Corporate White Company, we DO need a human punching bag. You’ll do it for minimum wage, or maybe less. Or maybe you’ll pay me. You’ll be an unpaid intern, stupid college idiot. Let me know when you’re ready and I’ll start whaling on you with my hard fists of bone.

Candidate: I see now I was mistaken. The workplace has been feminized. Gossip and passive-aggressive bullying are my world now. Hush whimpers, the smell of a fat woman’s chair, apologies before and after each sentence. I’m a corpse, a sexless corpse, life’s a bitch. I wish I could have learned Dad’s work and carried on the family business. But Dad was a pussy-loser manager-salesman-teacher-lawyer-paper-pusher. My father was a neutered eunuch cheek-spreader who kneeled before a woman his whole life and did nothing to build a dynasty. He was not an artisan or a master craftsman. My dad was nothing. I should get a job doing iPhone screen repair or maybe sell peanuts at baseball games.

Mr. Big: You’re hired.

 

(bit starts 35min in, but it’s all gold)

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