It’s late for thanksgiving, but I’m thankful for my manager.
I had told her my whole story when I started. She knows I’m a broken husk of a person, and she wants me to be okay so she’s moving me from backbreaking truck unloading to electronics since I’m a fucking nerd. I worked there a bit today, and it felt much better. I helped a lot of people and I felt confident, like I used to, but that’s largely just because I took an addy. Idk if I can ever be like I used to be, but adderall really, really fucking helps. There’s no point in living unless you’re living high-energy. I thought I was doing okay the last few months, but I realize now that it was only better then how I felt at the beginning down here- absolutely fucking suicidal. I need something to keep me focused and moving, it’s the only way to stop depression. Maybe at some point I won’t need it, like I didn’t before, but this fucking move has really, really fucked me up. I don’t feel anything like how I used to, like a fucking man who can actually function in society. That’s not me anymore. It is with adderall though. Fuck it, if it really fucks your brain over years, just put me down like a dog when I’m 40. I’d rather be high-energy with a burnt brain than a low-energy genius anyway. If I get too stupid, again, just kill me.
Anyway, uh, so she really made me feel good about working there. She was so fucking kind to me, and I’m going to work my ass off for her. That’s all. She really, really just made me feel good. And maybe the addy’s making me emotional but ffs, guys, my entire fucking life ended lmao it’s not fucking fair HAHAHAHAHAEFHAERGI a big part is my own fault- I could have found a way to stay in NJ, I really just fucked up everything in my power. but that doesn’t make it feel any better.
but maybe i can become something close to the man I used to be, at least in terms of energy and confidence. I need to be less of a fucking asshole, though. I think and hope I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons for that.
So yeah, just thankful for manager– very good woman.
and adderall too. idk if i could have even talked to her without it. ffs just… idk that’s all bye